I don't know if all of you will appreciate the humor in this - be warned, some of it might offend you. This was passed on to me by a friend at the Historical Society. I hope you enjoy it.
Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping
Like a lot of women, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. The other day, she received the following letter from our local Walmart's manager:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are now forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
January 8: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
January 29: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
February 15: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
February 29: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a Union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
March 14: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of MandM's on law-away.
March 25: Moved a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.
April 1: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone!?" EMTs were called.
April 23: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
April 29: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
May 4: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme music.
May 5: In the auto department, he practiced his Madonna Look using different sizes of funnels.
May 30: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick Me! Pick Me!"
June 8: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "Oh, no! It's those voices again!"
And last, but not least, June 15 he went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!" One of the clerks passed out!
Please, don't either one of you ever come back to our store again! Sincerely, Management.
a few of these had me laughing spasmodically!